I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
