I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
