She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Actions speak louder than pants.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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