wrigley field is MILF paradise
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
