shes about as inviting as chlamydia
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
