make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
