i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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