How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
