Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
