You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
