all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
