At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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