I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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