anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
