im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
