proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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