no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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