I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
