she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
