last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
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No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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