I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
this hospital has no fireball
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
