I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
