Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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