i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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