Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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