I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
