I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
