I bet he comes in French.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
