I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
