it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
