three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
