Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
