Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
