tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
The best revenge is premature balding
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
