so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
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If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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