I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
