So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
