The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
