my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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