Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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