We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
