Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
