she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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