You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
