You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
