at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
