i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
