I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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