I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My vagina is very pro this idea
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