I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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