she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
