he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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