does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't turn off my feet"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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