I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
