If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
