I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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