apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
