I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
