Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
