if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
