well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
