I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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