and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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